Regrets, I have a few.....

Since I had my first child, I've come to the slow realization that my life will never be the same again. Now that I've emerged from the fog of being a new mommy, I have a few things I need to say.

I want to start by apologizing to my vagina. I just...I just didn't know what was going to happen. I thought it would be easy. All my life I'd been told I had "child-birthing hips". That turned out to be a dirty lie. I pushed for 3 hours, and I put you, dear vagina, through hell. I did my best to protect you, and I apologize. I can only hope that the bad feelings between us can be healed. This relationship has gotten really painful, and it's been weeks now. Please let the healing begin.

I'd also like to say I’m sorry to my husband [boyfriend] for all my inappropriate name calling in the delivery room and the resentment I felt because I had to carry our child for 9 months and you didn't. I will have sex with you again someday, I promise. Don't hold your breath or anything, but we'll get there. I'll wear attractive lingerie again as well. These grandma underpants are not forever.

And honey...about my boobs. While I appreciate your attempts to touch them, try to understand that they are not for you at this time. These are working breast, they are under construction at the moment, and we appreciate your patience. It's funny: I can see a mixture of fear and delight in your eyes at the same time. And trust me, they are something to fear.

I apologize to every woman whose baby shower I attended before I became a mom. All those useless stuffed animals and baby booties I bought...well, I’m sure they might have come in handy at some point, but I should have stuck to the registry and gotten you things you truly needed.

I apologize once again to my husband [boyfriend], this time for criticizing you about the way you dress our daughter. I know she's my own personal doll come to life, and I like to play dress-up. But you make such weird choices. Why would you put her in a sweater when it's 85 degrees outside? It's the middle of the day- a nightgown? Really? It's bedtime, sweetheart, why is she wearing a hat? I recognize that this is not America's Next Top Model, but I do ask you to think about what makes sense sometimes. That's all.

I must also apologize to every new mom I ever bumped into before I had a baby, for judging your appearance. I mentally criticized your old sweatpants, your oversized t-shirts, and your haphazard ponytails. I figured you just hadn't taken the time to get ready before you went out or were in dire need of a makeover. Now I understand those precious moments you savor when the baby goes down for a nap. The desperation to make the most of them. I could shower! I could eat! I could sleep! I could check my e-mail! Work out! Do laundry! Have sex! (Well, maybe not just yet, but...) I could do so much if she would just sleep a little longer. Then inevitably, there's that sound trough the baby monitor. (Stop. Wait. Listen.) Was it for real?...That was just a sneeze, right?...Oh please, I'm almost done eating, the coffee's finally ready, I thought I could shower. Just 5 more minutes, please. Just...nope. She's up. She's hungry. She's wet. She's something. And once you've got her fed and changed and played with her, you're on the clock to get that errand done before it all unravels again. I get it now: There is absolutely no time for a blowout or blusher. I was a complete jerk. I'm sorry.

I see how people look at me-with that mixture of fear and disgust-in my old nursing tank covered in spit-up and the same maternity shorts I wear everyday. I’m like The Elephant Man. I put my daughter in fancy clothes to compensate for the monster pushing her around. I see the stares. I know what you're saying. Well to hell with you, you small-pants-wearing Miley Cyrus fan. I just had a baby. I am not always this fat.

I guess I should apologize for my anger. But in solidarity with new mothers everywhere, I'm not going to.

But I would definitely like to apologize to my former self. I always thought I had a few pounds to lose and could look better. I never knew how great I had it. What I wouldn't give to fit into my old clothes again! I look at them longingly, day after day. Hi, jeans. Hello Diane von Furstenberg wrap dress. You were all so good to me. (Sniff)
I should have slowed down and enjoyed my freedom more when I had the chance. I used to beat myself up if I slept past eight or stayed out too late. I was a fool. A fool. What did I know? Oh to do anything at all at a leisurely pace- shop, eat, read the newspaper-and anything without having to wear a monitor. Waiting. Listening. For her.

While I'm sending regrets I should apologize to my pre-baby boobs for not appreciating them enough. They were a great pair of boobs- not too big, just enough cleavage. And now...sigh...who knows what will be left of them? I'm sorry, former boobs. I truly am.

I'll never be sorry about deciding to be a mother though. There may be no going back to my old body or my old lifestyle, but having a child is worth everything I’ve had to give up and then some. But you already knew that.

Courtesy of PARENTS magazine; written by Merrin Dungey

I may not of written this but it sure is true!